Selena

I have been making small changes here & there in life, my profile on fetlife, & on this blog of late. I even went into my 100 things about me & really changed things a bit in there. I made up my mind again that it’s ok to be open to someone again. I made the choice to just try & move on & I need to stick to my guns to do so. I need to stop fucking whining. Yes life is difficult, yes it’s scary, but shit I have made it 32 years so far, this will just make me more rounded as an individual. What does & has not kill/ed me, sure the hell has made me a strong & determined individual.

The picture I chose for today’s post avatar actually was a reminder of what my sexy beast did to me when I went & saw him last Thursday… *sigh* I have been telling other play partners that, I am not available of late. It’s interesting, I have gone from having an embarrassing amount, to those that I really treasure. I was feeling a bit like a revolving door. I found contentment, & no longer feel the need to fill my time w/ people who just wanna fuck or play. I want to spend more time, w/ my real friends, & of course my lover.

I went shopping for a Christmas tree today. It was the decision I had made when I was packing to leave the house, Christmas is very important to me, & a new tree is something I thought was necessary. It had to many years of another life attached to it, the ornaments I took tho, those were different, for the last three years I had put up a tree I enjoyed & there was no real sentimental value other than I enjoyed what I had designed. My ex didn’t really do the Christmas thing w/ me after a few years of us being together. Hell last year he didn’t even shop for me. I think I have repeatedly mentioned this phenomenon, it really upset me.

This year is different, the holidays are coming, & I am just thinking about a few people this year. I have no clue what to get any of them, I have not known anyone long, or been close enough to really figure out what would make a good gift for them till now. So a budget & a challenge, I think I can deal. Either that or I may get creative & make my special people things from my heart & hands. I can bake up a storm & I know I am capable of that. All my people have an affinity to good wine, I may make something fun, I think I may have to go to my favorite winery & blow some money.

Speaking of wine! I have been collecting a bottle here & there when I can. I have three so far w/ the full intention of acquiring a wine rack. Three of my good friends have me hooked on coffee too dammit! I have saved a ton of money on soda by just making coffee every morning, & you know what? It’s nice to take the time to do so. So my vices are now; SEX, cigarettes (very bad but face it I am addicted again) coffee, wine, excellent chocolate, intimate experiences w/ the ones I am fond of, atmosphere, & of course BDSM is in there too. Gads all my vices will either kill me, or break me! *lol*

So w/ these changes I hope to have a better year, a happier life, & be more productive. Baby steps, getting the brain where I need it is what it is taking. I accept that.

So I spent the better part of the weekend w/ no internet, the most contact I had was some phone calls here & there, my cell to IM & some time w/ my partner in crime (I have not come up w/ a good nickname yet for him.). But alone time here has led to much dish washing, picking up & many other neurotic moments. And yet another batch of apple crisp ensued as well…

I have spent the better part of the week rethinking my career. I filled out applications for the local hospitals before my internet went down, I need to do something else & soon. I work for next to nothing & even though I have a nice chunk of cash from H, it won’t last unless I get a higher paying job. I need that money to last & I also don’t have it all either, he was able to give me most of my alimony in a chunk but I have to wait till he sells the house for the rest. He’s been generous none the less to give it to me now, I appreciate it. I appreciate a lot of what he has done.

Other than that I don’t really talk to him much anymore, & it seems it’s for the better. Some ways it really hurts, other ways I can look inside & see what I am doing for myself, & the great people I have in my life. Frankly as I look back life was mundane, till the last year, I stirred it up, b/c I needed to. I was stagnant, I had been so for 7 or so years. Not all the time w/ H was bad. But as I look back not all was happy go lucky either. As I look back the last two years of my marriage I was there b/c I didn’t know if I could walk away, I was there b/c I knew I monetarily could not do a damn thing myself & was afraid to do so. So even though Raven was a bad thing he was the catalyst I needed to leave, so an ends to a means is where I leave it.

I need to move on from this, but I understand that this will take some time to get through. It is not easy, I tell you, I have had to build myself from the bottom of bottoms up, over the last few months, & I have more to go. But looking on the bright side, I have a very intelligent, sexy, funny, fun man in my life, that I admit I adore. And when there is a rambling conversation that seems to lead no where in progress, a very interesting question that is very serious comes up, that just seems to take me off guard.

The dynamic is unfolding, & it is a confusing place at times. I have to learn balance, how to assert the right amount of dominance or aggression at the right time to give him what he needs, but also at times surrender to him. The switch happens all the time, one minute he’s the Dominant the next he’s the submissive. I at times do not know how to react, it is a learning process, that I am enjoying even though this is not an easy man to get to know. He has many things I find intriguing. I think it’s funny that both of us individually do not think ourselves attractive but we find the other sexy as hell.

I am intoxicated by him, he makes me feel things I did not think I wanted to feel. I am taking this slow, I am enjoying the ride as it is going. I enjoy the companionship, his touch, his kiss, looking into his eyes seeing the reactions and thoughts flit through them, the passion, and lastly all the isms that make him a very interesting creature.

Between him & my best friend they are the only things keeping me going here at times day to day, life is getting overwhelming, everything has a cost & there are things you can not go with out. Student loans, the vitamins you have been taking for years that keep you from getting sick, insurance (health, car & renters), water, gas/electric, etc. I am feeling it all pressing down on me. I am glad I have my meds, b/c even now I feel a bit panicky, but they help w/ me feeling overly so. Between friends, my lover & my own sheer determination, I will settle into this & this will seem like a bump in the road down the road.

Well I think that is more than enough of my rambling for now… Now that the internet is here again I have much to catch up on. Talk to you soon.

So it seems my heart throb is as smitten w/ me as I am him. I went to go to the store & there was a card in my front door. Of course not many know where my new place is… So I was like hrm. So when I got back I plucked it from the door, & there it was, a card from him. *sigh*

OMG I need to watch my heart, the evil cold bitch has kept them at bay for 4 months, so why now? Why am I letting him in? He’s sexy, funny, smart, nutty as a fruit cake (in a good way), did I say SEXY? Ok so my hormones go absolutely wild when he’s around, I enjoy his company, ACK! Heart stay where it is! This one could be good for me, if I retain my individuality, I am so broken, why universe? Why now?

I also have the hugest crush on someone I met at spank, so I’m torn. I have been informed I may play w/ others & he wouldn’t get jealous (my local flame). Ugh! I’m riding this horse it seems & I am gonna see where it goes. I am no where near ready to give up on my other candles I have lit for others either. My friend from Spank especially, he’s gentle & sweet, but he defiantly has some kinks I wanna check out, so to speak. All right, all right I think he’s down right HOT! He makes me wanna show him things, be gentle to at times, but oh so push his limits, show him my dark side.

My local heart throb makes me wanna do all the above things as well, I am afraid I guess. I don’t wanna get hurt & I don’t wanna hurt anyone any more, well ok other than what they ask for. *smirk* I’m afraid of all the flames & the *poof* all the ashes after, b/c he makes me burn hot. But he doesn’t make me wanna run away either. I don’t feel as if I should let go, just afraid. Am I ready? Oh god what hole have I jumped down this time?

I work in two hours, & I just feel good. Strange to be in this place by myself, but good. It’s mine, I am my own being, I’m ok w/ that.